Love?

I've experienced the emotion called love, or being drawn to someone intimately. I think most people have and it comes in many shapes and forms, all of which I want to avoid like the plague. I don't trust myself, let alone other people in general with deep facts about me or myself (I don't give people material to use to stab me in the back with); I will never give away my insecurities, or at least easily. Love is based on mutual trust and bonding and all the things I know I'll never truly have with another person. This is not to say that I have not longed for another, but I do so in my own ways...

This may come out creepy, but I admire from the shadows, not necessarily stalking the one that has my heart but staying out of the vision. I don't wish to complicate our relationship, which is likely platonic or non-existent, so instead of risking it, I just don't act on these feelings. I don't send nudes, flirt, or ask for people's phone numbers (unless its for homework help). I kind of just sit around and observe, while in the lunch room, while in the hallway, while just simply walking to Kenny, all I do is observe things... I don't like confrontation and if I can avoid something I (typically) will try hardest to do so, especially when it could end up hurting me and my fragile heart. Sometimes knowing a relationship won't work out and not going for it is a good thing.

I have double standards when it comes to being in love. Another couple can love each happily and all that junk, but I'm not allowed to. I don't think it'd be beneficial, because I'm too busy with homework and too be honest... seeing couples in the hallway makes me envious and sickened to my stomach in a somewhat cruel way. I'll never act on these emotions of course, but one can't help but feel a sense of greed upon viewing something not owned, not necessarily personally wanted, but craved by primal desires. However, try as I might to stay away from love (and likely lusty desires, in a sense that its nothing but empty air and hormones), I still feel it comes back to haunt me...

Do you ever just lock eyes with someone and think they would be the one, but know it would never work out because of X amount of reasons? He or she is probably married for all you know, or wears white after labor day! Love is love I guess and I plan to get back to this topic eventually, after all things in my life have settled (or when there's less homework). I'm just trying to survive, but my body's primal instincts and (some parts of) society, makes me want to curl up next to someone and pour my heart out to them... EW! If I could take such a complicated feeling out of my being, I'd be down for it (too much work and kind of not needed), but that's just me and my dumb angsty teenage self. 

This all really rambly and probably very generalized (I wouldn't take it too close to heart, as much of my blog posts are just random tangents).